I am having a shit day.
I launched the homepage on friday, and It' s only really a half finished job.
I was awake at 4 am on Saturday morning after dreaming about double quotes in href tags breaking the metadata in the pages.
I spent yesterday watching a new comedy series that I have to make up a site to in double quick time. Because I've promised the talent (whom we have a pre-existing relationship with) and don't want to let them down - particularly because one of them is an up-and-coming star and an award winner. However, their 'most powerful in the business' agent is going to try and screw me for money (at exorbitant TV rates that my over-ambitous predecessor paid them), and my exec is going to go dipshit if he discovers I've done it.
And I'm drinking half a large bottle of whisky a week.
And my girlfriend has just walked out of the house in a sulk, not telling me where she's going ('just out...') because the both of us are so lost and sad and angry that we're driving each other mad. And I'm completely failing to communicate anything, and if I'm not careful will slide into pure resentment soon, and destroy the best thing I have, and the only thing that's even vaguely keeping me in one piece.
I love her so much. I know I do. She's my world. But I've stopped being able to feel anything - I'm just this automaton without any ability to emote or care. Appart from fear and anxiety - I'm doing both of those brilliantly right now. So I'm destroying the thing I care most about through inaction, and the fact that my emotions feel like some curio locked up in a glass cabinet in a dusty corner of the museum no-one ever visits. Next to the rather dog-eared stuffed bear.
And noone is going to sort it out for me. There's no crying home to mum, there's no friend to sort me out, there's no help to be had at work unless I can write a budget and a work plan that has a few man-days marked down as 'Producer hospitalised after nervous breakdown and coronary'.
I have never been so close from walking away from everything.
And this is the problem. I watched my best friend do exactly that - just go - No, no more. I'm off. I'm going to sit in a darkened basement room, smoking, watching TV and taking drugs for the next year. And then I'm going to move to Japan. And she's not completley fucked up. Hell, she's got all her limbs, and hasn't overdosed yet. So it's doable...
You know what? I think most people feel like this inside most of the time. We're just to polite to admit it.