It's in the trees...

GTAForums.com -> I found a digital camera in the woods

Via Mr. Coates - a forum post from a chap who found a lost digital camera, with some beautifully eerie pictures in the memory.

Feels like the start of a superior teen horror flick.

Oh, on another note - things I've just found out. The site that showed all of the pictures of the GI's coffins fresh from the gulf? It's named after the slot in which you dumped paperwork in 1984 - the Memory Hole...

Earsplitting

Birthday Party Goody Bags

So, went to the Cliterati 4th Birthday last night.

It was a rather extraordinary do, all in all.

Not because it was outrageous - hell, the stripperonly got down to a babydoll nightie, and the human canape platters were wearing pants - but because of the strange mix of people, and of corporate sponsorship.

Admittedly, some of the scruffier buggers were in my party, and there was a slight element of liggery, but... it was the rather lovely elderly couple in dinner dress. And the young chap in brown biker boots, a Vivienne Westwood tshirt, a suit jacket and a padded sun vizor.

Sir, whoever you are, you look like an utter cock.

I know that a lot of the point for the lovely Miss Dubberly was to promote her book, her site, and various other commercial ventures. And that's cool. But sweet christ, what poor products decided to promote themselves around her success.

Sarah and I sat excitedly on the bus, furtively taking inventory of our take-home goody bags, and eating sweeties. Sadly, my bottle of moisturising lube had exploded in the bottom of the bag, so my pack of strawberry gummi lips were deemed inedible.

(And yes, I know that lube is specially made to be edible and taste nice; frankly, it doesn't. Especially the flavoured stuff. Never, never use Pina Colada flavoured lube. It tastes terrible, and has too much sugar in it, which is a very elegant way to give yourself thrush.)

The excitement on unpacking - two! two! vibrators! Porn! on!DVD! A big! bottle! of lube! A book! Clitoral! Stimulators! - slightly paled when we investigated the products more thoroughly. The huge bottle of lube turned out to be a poncy bottle of buxton spring water. The porn, despite being shot by a girl (hurrah, applause, good thing, etc) was absolutely terrible. Maybe I've been spolit by two many high quality gay productions, but... at least invest in some lighting. And show us a cock without a strange 15 minute 'acting' preamble. And, you know, I don't actually mind more than a strand of public hair.

And the vibrators. Well.

Both hard cased, one 'micro-bullett' with a remote control, one conventional. Now, if you're designing a hard-case plastic vibrator meant for... well, penetration, don't design battery access involving twisiting it appart half way down the shaft. Why? Well, you get a sharp ridge of flashed plastic running around the circumference of the vibe. This causes all kind of exciting internal injuries; this was something I learnt many years ago, and had no desire to repeat last night.

Also, don't choose an uncommon battery type, or an odd number. No-one has 3 AAA batteries lying around the place, and there's nothing more annoying than getting a vibe home and not having sufficient juice. Ahem. There's also something a bit irritating about poor battery fit - putting in one of your precious rechargeable batteries (and yes, this is exactly the reason we have a big battery charger in the house) only to discover it's irretrievably stuck, and the spring has contracted too far to make a proper connection.

And then... volume. We got one of the minivibes up and running, and played with it's seven variable pulsing patterns. It sounded like a magimix with epilepsy, or possibly a small motorboat in trouble on the river. And... well, intensity. I'm all for a good strong buzz, but not one that is going vaporise your clit in under thirty seconds in some kind of genital sanding apocalypse.

The lesson from all of this? Well, both products were marked as being reccomended by Cosmopolitain. So, never, ever trust Cosmo for good advice about a vibrator. It's that simple.

I'm sure there's more. Possibly something about the 'Black Porn by Black Writers' that was written in transliterated Jamaican Patois, and seemed to have booze and coke on every page I flicked to. Possibly something about the oil for increacing labial bloodflow that smelt exactly like Juicy Fruit Gum, and faded to smell exactly like sump-oil. But frankly, I'm just a bit too depressed by the state of the smut industry to go on.

Poor Emily. She's a brilliant person, runs a great site, and is a wonderful sex-positive activist. But she's beeing badly let down by her sponsors.

Nice cocktail frock, tho.

Change Tracking

Stumbled across this. It's a rather interesting way of visualising changes to complex documents, based on changes to the Wikipaedia.

I'm impressed, but the output is just so... dense.

IF Movie=poor THEN Satire=brilliant

The fabulous Lee has outdone himself. I didn't have much of a desire to go and see iRobot. I now don't need to, having read Lee's sarky rendition on his blog.

Bliss and Torture.

An exciting and fun weekend. Feeling very much back to my old self after six months of black dog. The drugs do work.

So, why so much back to myself? Well, Saturday was the kind of day I used to have when I was single. There's a lovely sense of acheivement when you've got a great relationship ticking along (with the requisite work being put into it) but you're able to go off for a day and behave exacly as you would when most yourself.

I have a habit of over-involving myself in my relationships, and come out of them with that rather sad feeling of having mislaid an aspect of myself for the duration. With the fiance, I know it's for good - so I have no excuses, I have to do that extra work and negotiate time and space for solitude in the couple. And saturday was the first time I've successfully done that. Ever.

So, after a trip around soho, shopping (result - a Ukulele, a ukulele chord book, three books from Magma (good girl, only three...), a big handful of cheap CDs from Fopp and a Lomographic Super Sampler camera), some sushi, and a good half hour spent contemplating the idea of going to a gallery (I didn't - it was too far to walk in the heat by that stage) I felt recharged. And then had the lovely coincidence of ending up on the same bus as my beloved on the way home.

And then, to Torture Garden together in the evening. I know that I won't be believed if I tell you, dear readers, that it's actually all rather charming and innocent. But it is. I love the place for its friendliness, great music, and utterly fabulous costumes. Oh, and the opportunity to stare at people doing odd things to each other on St Andrews Crosses, of course. But, hey, I'm pretty mundane in most other aspects of my life - allow me a few pecadilloes.

Highlight of the evening - meeting a man called Viking - really, he was christened that - who had a beard, and liked Mead.

I wonder about writing up the odder fetish-scene aspects of my life here. For one, far too many PeopleFromTheOffice know the URL, and I have enough of a reputation

So, rather than explicit description, I'll leave you with the contents of an email newsletter inviting me to a summer garden party that arrived this morning. Please note that I find this as funny, pathetic and absurd as you will.


PROGRAMME
2pm Pool Bar Opens
Finger Buffet and snacks
Beers, wines, alcopops, Pimms and soft drinks served
Outdoor heated pool and places to sunbathe and socialise

4pm Fetish Olympics
6 Teams led by Mistresses and Masters will compete for Gold, Silver and
Bronze Medals. There will be one overall winning team
The Fetish Olympics will be video'd this year so please let us know if you
want to be a Movie Star or not. We are directing the filming and will be
managing the editing so will ensure that people who do not wish to be
included are not. There will be a set area for the filming so it is clear
where you can watch from if you don't wish to be in the video.

6.30pm BBQ
Tropical Rum Punch served as well as beers, wines, alcopops and soft drinks
9pm * 10.30pm * Midnight - Entertainment by The Fetish Crew

Other features:
Bouncy Castle * Dungeon Play Room * Trampling Frame
BDSM equipment by the lake, under the oak tree and on the lawn
Sexual Play Room * Massage * Dance Floor * Love Swings * Chill out areas

DJs - Baz, Simon, Irish Pete
Rude Food - Chocolate and Fruit Extravaganza

Three Things:

Finger Buffet, Bouncy Castle, Misplaced Apostrope.

Sigh.

Gay TV

Well.

I'm not entirely sure about LOGO, the gay TV channel from MTV.

Actually, I am sure about it. Just, no. They make a pitch in their press release about the diversity of the gay community etc.

But... if we're that diverse, why on earth should we be interested in the insignifant linking theme of gayness?

That's not put very well at all. But my basic feeling is that, to be honest, I'm not interested in someone just because they're gay. I'm interested just because they're interesting.

I can imagine nothing worse than limiting my TV viewing to Will and Grace, Queer Eye and reruns of Oranges are Not the Only Fruit.

Well, yes, I can. Limiting my TV viewing to football. But, you know...

Lovely News

Just found my faith in three of my workmates utterly vindicated by them being offered either their own job, or the job above them.

I am very, very proud of them.

And also secretly relieved that my choices of staff weren't too far off beam.

And relieved that none of them will be getting a letter like this.